I feel like I've aged five years in the past several months. Something about the stress of moving and getting a second dog has eroded my energy, spirit, and possibly my marriage. I cannot tell if the marriage part stems from the stress of these situations or R. in general. He has become a moody, mean son of a bitch the past couple months-- someone who is REALLY difficult to get along with-- and I cannot help but wonder if it isn't because he stopped taking some medications that had been helping the past couple years.

At any rate, I have found myself uttering the words "I think I want a divorce" a couple times now (always with the qualifier 'think' in the sentence, just in case I end up taking those words back). My mother once told me that you're never supposed to utter those words in a marriage, but she didn't tell me what to say if I wanted out.

And when I say those words, at first, R. becomes defensive, and starts listing the many ways in which I am a less than stellar person; and then we discuss how we're going to split, as if it is really going to happen. Then, once we've decided to sell our house to pay our debts, once the dogs have been divvied up and the furniture parceled out, R. inevitably breaks down. The discussion reaches a point where it is too real and suddenly he loves me, he's sorry, he'll try and be better...

The truth is that I love him, too, and it feels good to hear him apologize and proclaim his love for me. But I am increasingly able to imagine myself independent from him, living simply in a small apartment. It would be difficult and it would be heartwrenching, but I would be at the mercy of my own moods and no one else's. Although R. is not violent toward me and is not physically harmful in any way, he does call me awful names when he is mad and raises his voice so loud, it pierces my eardrums. Sometimes I feel like I am walking on eggshells around his moods, which change quickly and unpredictably. I AM NOT A PERSON WHO LIKES TO WALK ON EGGSHELLS.

No, I am not.